Some Thoughts on Faith

Today, I want to write about faith. Up until now, in the past year of more or less regular posts, I have talked about work, my feelings, social realities, and cultural challenges. All of that is only part of what I am doing here – or maybe better said in a Rostro context - that is only a part of who I am here.

I have always shyed away from this topic. If I am going to write about God, and assume that a few people will read about my thoughts, I want them to be profound. Or at least moderately organized and well written. I want to present to the world poetry, metaphors that bring clarity --- I want everyone to know how head over heels I am for Jesus and create movments in your hearts too. Well, I am no poet. I tend to write in a more stream of consciousness style, which does not tend to lead to anything close to profound. My vocabulary has diminished considerably since graduation, and worse still since learning Spanish. My gifts are not that of the written word. But, if there is one thing that I know, it is that God takes me as I am. He didnt give me those gifts, and so why should I hold back the love I have wishing that I did? So this is an ameteur´s attempt at what I dare to call spiritual writing.

One of the most important books for me here in Ecuador is Oswald Chambers´ My Utmost for His Highest. It is a daily devotional brought into my life by Colie and Danny last year. I try to read and reflect on his thoughts each day. Sometimes Tracy and I read them before we go to bed, other times we share his writings during community prayer, or if I manage to get myself out of bed in a timely fashion, my favorite way to ponder over the Oz is over a cup of coffee in the morning before work. I managed to get up a few minutes early this morning and was able to enjoy his thought for today. Lately he has been talking about missionaries. Now, please dont think I have abandoned all of my previous self – I still have a lot of trouble with the label missionary. There is a whole history there of conquests and violence and a whole slew of people who, in my opinon, werent really relaying any kind of message that Christ would have placed his stamp of approval. None the less (please bear with me) I have been praying lately that God give me the heart of a missionary. What does that mean? True missionaries leave everything behind to go to a place where they are called to experience the love of God. Often they are reassigned and move wherever they are told to go. They live lives of detachment, picking up and moving, loving whoever falls into their path without looking back over what they have left behind, and not anticipating where they will go next. Granted, I feel like I have very little to bring to the table here in Ecuador. My Spanish is still pretty broken (you should hear me try to communicate in the office), I have no professional skills, and am an expert in nothing. I would never dare to say that I am bringing anything here, especially anything involving the Gospel or enlightenment. I think I have been very clear before in my perception that I receive more, learn more, am gifted more far than I am able to gift back. I am not here to bring anything other than myself. But I still really like this missionary lifestyle – in theory that is. Letting go, moving on, focusing on the present have never been my strengths (I am Type A to the core of me). And I am finding it especially hard right now.

Anyway, back to Chambers. This morning he posed this reflection that actually made me gasp in profound realization. He said that in every moment of our life, in every struggle, in every breath, only one question matters. Jesus asks us in every aspect of our lives, “Do you really believe that I can do this?” Whoa. Now, Chambers is talking about missionaries here, trying to make us understand that the outside results dont mean anything, rather that the interanl relationship we share with Jesus is central to any kind of work we do. But holy cow! In the last two months, I have witnessed some situations that have affected me deeply. A few weeks ago I found myself a huge ball of emotion and despair being surrounded by so much suffering. But imagine what happens when I change my lens, when I change my perspective. “Do you believe that I can do this?” Jesus, in this place, in my work, is asking me this question. And honestly, who am I to say no? I mean, ridiculous right?

But, as much as I say that yes, I believe that He can do this, whatever the “this” is in the moment, I find myself acting as if I am saying no. Let me explain. Everytime I let myself get anxious, I am saying no. Every time I try to control a situation that is uncontrollable, I say no. Every time I spend more time complaining or judging than I do finding the positive, I tell Jesus that no, I don´t believe Him. Worst of them all, whenever I try and find my solution, assert myself, without going to prayer, without searching to understand God´s will, I am saying no. It´s all a question of trust. Oftentimes I find myself uttering a prayer of complete surrender to God, something like “God, I have nothing left. You need to do this now.” So far, He has taken care of me. But still I doubt Him in my actions. And now that I know this, now that I see how stubborn I am being, the task is to change – to allow myself to be transformed.

I hope that you feel blessed today. I pray that wherever you are, you find the peace of God. I hope you are choosing love and feeling love all around you.